Hearst Castle

Some things haven't changed much.

Hearst Castle
San Simeon, CA

As children, my brother and I had matching briefcase-looking containers which held our Legos.  They were large, made of thick, sturdy and rough red plastic, and, in the case of my container, held all of the pieces needed to construct my Lego Garage.

I remember getting that particular set one Christmas, and I was ecstatic.  I don't think the type of set was as important as the fact that it was a higher level of difficulty compared to previous sets.  There were numerous tiny, single-studded pieces, and little did I know the advanced instructions would be good training for assembling Ikea furniture nearly three decades later.

My point is that the assembly and anticipation of the finished product was the most satisfying part of the experience.  When I was finished, it bummed me out.  Sure, I could tear it down and rebuild, but it would be with the same parts, producing the same final product.

Now consider William Randolph Hearst, who also appreciated the building process to an extreme: not only did he have grand visions of building his dream home upon the nearly quarter-billion acres he had inherited from his mother, but he spent decades building, tearing down, and rebuilding time and time again until the property grew to over 150 rooms and more than 125 acres of gardens, walkways and pools.  Housed inside the castle is a phenomenally extensive art collection, along with other amenities such as an indoor pool and movie theater.  You know, just like your parents' house.

The castle's tours allow you to explore the main rooms, suites, cottages and kitchen, along with the extensive grounds and luxurious pool area.  Feel free to take all the photos you'd like.  Before boarding the buses to travel up the hill, Hearst employees will take a photo of you in front of a green screen, then offer you a "magical" portrait with the Castle in the background...for just around thirty dollars.  Ack! Photoshop anyone?

Budweiser Brewery Tour

Budweiser, the King of...OOH!  A horsey!

Budweiser Brewery Tour

Fairfield, CA

When the tour guide mentions that the Budweiser brewmaster's job is to sample each batch of beer at least five times during the brewing process, inevitably some jackwad in the crowd will yell, "Are you hiring?!"

Be prepared for it.  Then stare down the idiot until he sinks in his seat, allowing the guide to continue his or her spiel.

The Budweiser Tour includes a short video explaining the history of the company, importance of their ingredients and other fun facts, all to be enjoyed over pretzels and two complimentary beers of your choice, so long as you're 21 or over.  Soft drinks are available for designated drivers, loyal Coors fans and skinny brown girls with empty stomachs for whom one glass of beer would leave her sloppy on the floor.

After getting "warmed up", you'll be taken to a 40-something degree cold storage area to view endless rows of massive tanks and identify those female tour participants regretting they had dressed so scantily.

Grab a piece of souvenir beechwood on the way out, and consider that the wood scrap was likely instrumental in some of the 2,000 cans produced each minute at the brewery.

California's Artisan Cheese Festival - 03/23/12 - 03/25/12

Say, "Queso"!

California's Artisan Cheese Festival
Petaluma, CA

Years before I was introduced to flaming Saganaki while interning in Chicago, I would nuke slices of Monterey Jack cheese in my grandma's microwave.  The "new" texture was so silky and indulgent, I wanted to eat all of my cheese that way (or so I thought).

Fast forward to 2008, when I tried my first "Squeeze with Cheese" at Sacramento's original Squeeze Inn, breaking off portions of the burger's famous "cheese skirt"; from then on, that's how I wanted to eat all of my cheese.

Let's face it: cheese is awesome.  It's luscious, hearty, savory, delectable and nourishing all at once.  Apples are sexier when accompanied by bleu cheese.  Taken to your next cocktail party, Brie en Croute (although simple to assemble) will make you look like an expert pastry chef.  And, a simple grilled cheese made with Wonder Bread and Kraft Singles seems to always satisfy.

Cheese is an art.  This event will bring together dairy farmers, cheesemakers, merchants, chefs and more.  Take a farm tour, learn to evaluate cheese like a pro, and see what it takes to produce local favorites.  Educate yourself on how to pair beers and wines with your fromage of choice.  Then, indulge at the Sunday marketplace, shopping and tasting your way through more than 70 artisan producers.

You'll never buy canned spray cheese again!  Well, maybe.

One Log House

Check out this guy's giant log!

One Log House

Garberville, CA

Clearly, this Humboldt County attraction was built by a man, as is evident by the minimalist design and lack of walk-in closets.

However, the ingenuity in design is quite impressive, given that it was created in pre-IKEA times...and out of a single redwood log.

Not for the claustrophobic, this residence has everything you need to maintain a frugal lifestyle with a few small luxuries.  Inside this enormous 2100-year old hollowed-out log you'll find a kitchen, solo breakfast nook, two (!) beds with headboard shelving, a couch and a dining table for two.

What's missing?  A toilet, shower and ventilation!  Not exactly the place to bring a date back to at the end of the night.

Old Faithful Geyser

Sunset Magazine!  What more do you want?

Old Faithful Geyser

Calistoga, CA

Old Faithful leaves nature lovers oohing and aahing over the marvel brought about by the culmination of water, heat and fissures and fractures within the earth.  Given the near-accurate 30-minute intervals, skeptics wonder if the steam and water attraction is button-controlled by the cashier inside the gift shop!

Be patient, and a rumbling beneath the ground will lead to a spectacular eruption of scalding-hot water shooting nearly 100 feet into the air.  Pass the time between water shows by petting the four-horned sheep, llamas, or attempting to startle the famous Tennessee Fainting Goats into collapse.

If the intervals are suspiciously longer than 30 minutes during your visit, be sure to secure your belongings once you arrive home - it may indicate an earthquake is near.  You've been warned!

Rocky Mountain Oyster Fry - 03/17/12

Go balls out and try EVERYTHING!

Rocky Mountain Oyster Fry
Virginia City, NV

"Rocky Mountain Oysters" are BEEF TESTICLES, people.  There, I said it.

As versatile as any other meat that is ground to a pulp or smothered in spices or sauces, rendering it unrecognizable, it can be found in risotto, tacos, jalapeno poppers and even wonton.  A buck gets you a sample at any of the booths.  A little hesistant?  Start out with some beer-battered balls on a stick - because, quite frankly, anything dipped in beer batter sounds good to me.

Half the entertainment is in a booth's signage.  As you can imagine, every clever reference to nuts, balls, cajones etc. are featured here.

Oddly enough, this is considered a family-friendly event, with face-painting and magicians readily available.  So, bring the kids, munch on some gourmet gonads, then brag to your colleagues at the water cooler on Monday morning.  How can that not impress?

Taste of Solvang - 03/14/12 - 03/18/12

Um, where can I find these?

Taste of Solvang
Solvang, CA

Ah, Solvang.  The old-world charm!  The bakeries!  The windmills!  The bakeries!

In this quaint little village, shopping and dining are king, the weather is usually cooperative, and visitors can be found scarfing Aebelskiver.

Aebelskiver are tennis-ball shaped pastry spheres created, as if by magic, from a batter akin to that of pancakes or waffles.  Sorry, Krispy Kreme...anything that may look like a donut but is made in special pans and are served by locals who know the history of said pastry are entitled to all street cred.

These delicacies are but one treat featured during this event.  Got the metabolism to indulge for three days?  Participate in the Dessert Reception featuring premiere local wineries and chocolatiers.  The next day, make 40 - yes, 40 - stops during the Walking Smorgaasbord.  On the last day of the event, enjoy live entertainment as you BYOP (Bring Your Own Picnic) to Solvang Park, wondering how you gained seven pounds in the last 48 hours.

Afterwards head home and get back to your normal life, "indulging" in sub-par donut holes at the local Winchell's.  Bah.