California Strawberry Festival - 05/17/14 - 05/18/14

Breakfast or dessert?  (Correct answer:  It doesn't matter.)

California Strawberry Festival

Oxnard, CA

This festival is jam-packed with all sorts of fruity fun, from the Tart Toss to concert performances to the Build Your Own Strawberry Shortcake tent.  Come for the funnel cake, stay for the strawberry beer and strawberry nachos!

If you like strawberries, and LOVE free vacations, the Berry Best Hat Contest is for you.  Submit your sweet creation and you may win a three day, two night stay at your choice of destinations.  Enter your kids in the Berry Best Dressed Baby Contest and compete for photo packages, scholarships, gift certificates and more.  Not too shabby!

Be sure to take advantage of the Strawberry Express shuttle from various Oxnard locations to avoid the traffic jams.  Like that?  Is anybody reading this??

Santa Cruz Fungus Fair - 01/10/14 - 01/12/14

Are you a fungi, too?

Santa Cruz Fungus Fair

Santa Cruz, CA

The Fungus Fair is another one of those unique Santa Cruz traditions like “kissing banana slugs” or “questioning gravity in highly specific wooded areas”.

Attendees will enjoy lectures by prominent mycologists and herbalists, culinary demonstrations and discussions surrounding current developments in mushroom poisonings.  Handy, right?

The fair is sponsored by the Fungus Federation of Santa Cruz, which holds periodic Mushroom Identification Classes perfect for those idiots who like to separate from their groups and traverse the woods alone with no other means of sustenance or a phone with 4G.  Study carefully!

Cornish Christmas - 12/20/13

Santa?

Cornish Christmas
Grass Valley, CA

A good friend and former Grass Valley native used to attend this event each year, which she jokingly dubbed “Corny Crapness” as a result of the disappearance of her favorite vendor, a bacon biscuit stand.

That does sound disappointing, when you think about it.

Never fear, there remain a number of delights to satisfy the palate such a Cornish pasties and miniature pies; if you’ve left your snowsuit at home and find yourself shivering half to death like one particular ponytailed writer, you’ll find no shortage of hot chocolate and apple cider.  Steaming pulled pork sandwiches can be equally effective.

Strolling along Mills and Main Streets may seem like a journey into the past.  Carolers sing in unison dressed in Victorian garb.  Magicians perform tricks with cards and ropes.  A charming character in a top hat roasts chestnuts on an open fire and sings a particular song lyric ad nauseum.  Numerous other vendors peddle scarves, jams and jellies and homemade soaps.  Were it not for the occasional teenager haphazardly running over the elderly, you’d think you’d been transported to a simpler, gentler time.

Don’t forget to spin the wheel at the Towers Casino booth for your chance to win a blackmatch match play coupon.  This is the 21^st century, after all.

San Diego Bay Wine & Food Festival - 11/18/13 - 11/24/13

Don't forget to replenish after the 5K!

San Diego Bay Wine & Food Festival
San Diego, CA

This event provides a great opportunity to stretch those stomach muscles in time for Thanksgiving.

Now in its 10^th year, the festival is the area’s premiere destination for food and wine aficionados to attend cooking classes and wine tasting seminars, meet chefs and winemakers, and sample morsels from gourmet food companies.  Bid on a celebrity chef luncheon, then watch chefs compete for $50,000 in the Chef of the Fest competition.  Turn the event into a vacation with a Wine Weekend Getaway package including hotel accommodations and VIP experiences.

Crepes, sushi, gourmet chocolates and more can all be yours.  Enjoy an array of international cuisine before hunkering down with (at least) a week of turkey, turkey sandwiches, turkey enchiladas, turkey soup…catch my drift?

Eat Real Festival - 09/27/13 - 09/29/13

Robin Thicke knows you want it.

Eat Real Festival
Oakland, CA

Mobile dining has exploded in the last few years.  Talented chefs with a knack for entrepreneurship are able to cater (get it?) to the masses, and this is a perfect time to market to the average Joe who may be too strapped for cash for a formal dining experience, but is willing to shell out a couple extra bucks to avoid the Taco Bell drive-thru.  Admit it: fresh fish tacos beat a Bellgrande anything 100% of the time.

The Eat Real Festival has enjoyed increasing interest, such that a Los Angeles event was added to meet the demands of Southern Californians.  Dozens of trucks are on hand, serving up everything from drinks to desserts…and that’s not all.  This festival is sheer heaven for those who not only love to eat, but want to learn where their food comes from and how it’s prepared.  You can meet local farmers, watch a butchery contest, witness a master noodle-puller (it’s exactly as interesting as it sounds) or explore pretzel-making. 

Then again, you can skip all the educational crap and have your own progressive breakfast/lunch/dinner hopping from truck to truck, gorging on everything from paella to plachinta to pork buns.  Cash is preferred.  Come prepared!

Ghirardelli Chocolate Festival - 09/14/13 - 09/15/13

Oh, dear lord.

Ghirardelli Chocolate Festival

San Francisco, CA

This event has it all: buttloads of chocolate (obviously), multiple age divisions of their famed ice cream-eating contest, and lots of cardio provided by the requisite dodging of unsupervised children with sticky, fudgy hands.

Purchase your chosen allotment of tickets, then run amuck sampling cookies, hot chocolate, ice cream, truffles and more...the sky's the limit! Festival veterans such as yours truly prepare a la crab feeds and bring Ziploc bags to fill with goodies to enjoy at home.  If the treats make it home, that is.

Once the crowds die down, go back to your favorite booths and thank them personally for all the extra work you'll have to put in at the gym during the coming week.  I'm sure they'll appreciate that.

California State Fair - 07/12/13 - 07/28/13

So many choices!

California State Fair
Sacramento, CA

The State Fair is here, and my colon couldn’t be more excited!

I prep for the State Fair the same way each year, and that preparation includes several days of cardio and weight training in anticipation of a day-long marathon of gorging on sweets and fried delicacies.  What’s on the menu this year?  How about a 24-ounce steak on a 17-inch cow rib (the Big Beef Rib), Chocolate-Covered Corn Dog, or Deep Fried Burger?  And you’ve gotta love any snack served by the brick, specifically their famous Curly Fries.  If you’re hankering for something sweet, a few bucks will get you Spaghetti Ice Cream, Deep-Fried Fruity Pebbles, and a dessert billed as the World’s Largest Gelato Waffle Cone.  Wash it all down with a Mocha Freeze or Italian Soda.

There are plenty of things to see and do while your chewing and attempting to digest a weekend’s worth of calories.  This year’s concert series features 80s crooners Air Supply and Kool & the Gang as well as other performers from the 90s and today that I’m too uncool to recognize.  Other special events include flat track motorcycle racing, demolition derbies and the Brewer’s Festival at the Miller Lite Grandstand.  You can even pay tribute to the late Huell Howser and pose with his life-size cardboard cutout.

And let’s not forget the mainstay of the fair…all of those exhibits that remind us there are some third graders out there with more imagination in their pinkie fingers than we'll ever be able to muster up.  Award-winning art, woodworking and handicrafts will be on display, highlighting Californians’ creativity and convincing me there’s more to life than spending hours of precious spare time on Facebook and Twitter.

Beaumont Cherry Festival - 06/06/13 - 06/09/13

A great time stems (ha!) from these little beauties!

Beaumont Cherry Festival
Beaumont, CA

Festivals require a few important elements: tasty food, great entertainment, wacky visitors and a reason to celebrate.  The city of Beaumont in Riverside County is getting ready to hold their annual Cherry Festival, a continuing tradition for nearly 100 years, which has all the key ingredients for a good time…and more.

The parade on Saturday morning is one of the main attractions, drawing what seems to be the entire town to watch dozens of entries on floats, in cars and on horseback.  Cheer troops, scout groups and various local organizations will be on hand, with planes cruising overhead to kick off the festivities.

The biggest draw, however, are the cherries.  Come for the cherry pies, cherry turnovers, cherry jam, and any number of cherry-themed treats.  And don’t worry, plenty of other food vendors will be available once you come down from your sugar crash.  Once you’re stuffed, take a stroll around the festival and you’ll find exciting games, breathtaking carnival rides and a classic car show to keep you busy.  You can even hold your own impromptu pit-spitting contest to the tunes of local bands.  How fun is that?

Larkspur Flower & Food Festival - 05/26/13

Stop and smell the roses...unless you're
allergic to them.

Larkspur Flower & Food Festival
Larkspur, CA

I have a love-hate relationship with flowers.

I loved my high school and college job, working as a cashier in my aunt and uncle’s flower shop inside the Weberstown Mall in Stockton.  When I wasn’t assembling bouquets or fashioning boutonnieres, I was either finishing up homework, glued to whatever soap opera was on the black-and-white TV next to the register, or shoving fistfuls of caramel corn from Mr. Sib’s in my mouth…all for seven bucks an hour.

On the other hand, I also spent an entire college semester gagging for two hours, twice a week, as I was stuck in a classroom with no windows and in close proximity to one particular student, Monica, with a penchant for lavender-scented perfume and the inability to apply anything less than half a bottle right before class.

Lucky for me, Larkspur holds this festival out in the fresh air - at the foot of Mt. Tamalpais, to be exact.  Enjoy the beauty of the flora while sampling the area’s best gourmet foods as locals have done for over 20 years.  Live music and a kids’ corner round out this family-friendly event.

Festivals tend to have at least one BBQ vendor, which is where you’ll find me if I happen to spot Monica in the crowd.  On the other hand, is it considered assault if you Febreeze someone?

Linden Cherry Festival - 05/18/13

Missing this event would be a pit-y!

Linden Cherry Festival
Linden, CA

I must admit that as a young whippersnapper I probably consumed more processed cherries than raw cherries.  A big treat for me back in the day was that crackling of the waxed paper wrapper as I tore open the package of a Hostess Cherry Pie.  I mean, really: soft, flaky crust, encasing juicy cherries and whatever that cherry gel stuff was made of, all glazed with icing.  I want one now!

Now that I’m all grown up (ha!), I try my best not to devour such calorie bombs.  Last summer, I bought a cherry pitter, and officially became a “real” cherry fan.  Full of antioxidants, I ate them by the bowlful.  Did you know that could really upset your stomach?  I didn’t.

Full of cherry orchards and a hub for cherry picking and processing activities, Linden is the perfect small town to host the annual festival, which boasts a car show, parade, bake-off and the ever-popular pie eating contest (not the Hostess ones).  Come to win, because losing is the pits!  Sorry about that one.

Cloverdale Old Time Fiddle Festival - 05/04/13 - 05/05/13

I have no clue how to use this thing, either.

Cloverdale Old Time Fiddle Festival
Cloverdale, CA

Fiddles get a bad rap.  The same grandmother who constantly told me to “stop fiddling around” also used the phrase “Oh, fiddlesticks!” as some form of cursing…probably those times when I refused to stop fiddling around.

Fact is, it’s a complicated instrument ignored by so many lazy youth who’d rather make fart noises into an autotune machine.  Luckily, the Cloverdale Historical Society works to preserve the fiddling culture and celebrates its heritage each year with a good ol’ fashioned fiddling contest. 

Competition is stiff, and the rules are clear: no performing under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  On the other hand, considering how difficult of an instrument this is to master, I’d actually like to see someone try…