Hearst Castle

Some things haven't changed much.

Hearst Castle
San Simeon, CA

As children, my brother and I had matching briefcase-looking containers which held our Legos.  They were large, made of thick, sturdy and rough red plastic, and, in the case of my container, held all of the pieces needed to construct my Lego Garage.

I remember getting that particular set one Christmas, and I was ecstatic.  I don't think the type of set was as important as the fact that it was a higher level of difficulty compared to previous sets.  There were numerous tiny, single-studded pieces, and little did I know the advanced instructions would be good training for assembling Ikea furniture nearly three decades later.

My point is that the assembly and anticipation of the finished product was the most satisfying part of the experience.  When I was finished, it bummed me out.  Sure, I could tear it down and rebuild, but it would be with the same parts, producing the same final product.

Now consider William Randolph Hearst, who also appreciated the building process to an extreme: not only did he have grand visions of building his dream home upon the nearly quarter-billion acres he had inherited from his mother, but he spent decades building, tearing down, and rebuilding time and time again until the property grew to over 150 rooms and more than 125 acres of gardens, walkways and pools.  Housed inside the castle is a phenomenally extensive art collection, along with other amenities such as an indoor pool and movie theater.  You know, just like your parents' house.

The castle's tours allow you to explore the main rooms, suites, cottages and kitchen, along with the extensive grounds and luxurious pool area.  Feel free to take all the photos you'd like.  Before boarding the buses to travel up the hill, Hearst employees will take a photo of you in front of a green screen, then offer you a "magical" portrait with the Castle in the background...for just around thirty dollars.  Ack! Photoshop anyone?

Budweiser Brewery Tour

Budweiser, the King of...OOH!  A horsey!

Budweiser Brewery Tour

Fairfield, CA

When the tour guide mentions that the Budweiser brewmaster's job is to sample each batch of beer at least five times during the brewing process, inevitably some jackwad in the crowd will yell, "Are you hiring?!"

Be prepared for it.  Then stare down the idiot until he sinks in his seat, allowing the guide to continue his or her spiel.

The Budweiser Tour includes a short video explaining the history of the company, importance of their ingredients and other fun facts, all to be enjoyed over pretzels and two complimentary beers of your choice, so long as you're 21 or over.  Soft drinks are available for designated drivers, loyal Coors fans and skinny brown girls with empty stomachs for whom one glass of beer would leave her sloppy on the floor.

After getting "warmed up", you'll be taken to a 40-something degree cold storage area to view endless rows of massive tanks and identify those female tour participants regretting they had dressed so scantily.

Grab a piece of souvenir beechwood on the way out, and consider that the wood scrap was likely instrumental in some of the 2,000 cans produced each minute at the brewery.

California's Artisan Cheese Festival - 03/23/12 - 03/25/12

Say, "Queso"!

California's Artisan Cheese Festival
Petaluma, CA

Years before I was introduced to flaming Saganaki while interning in Chicago, I would nuke slices of Monterey Jack cheese in my grandma's microwave.  The "new" texture was so silky and indulgent, I wanted to eat all of my cheese that way (or so I thought).

Fast forward to 2008, when I tried my first "Squeeze with Cheese" at Sacramento's original Squeeze Inn, breaking off portions of the burger's famous "cheese skirt"; from then on, that's how I wanted to eat all of my cheese.

Let's face it: cheese is awesome.  It's luscious, hearty, savory, delectable and nourishing all at once.  Apples are sexier when accompanied by bleu cheese.  Taken to your next cocktail party, Brie en Croute (although simple to assemble) will make you look like an expert pastry chef.  And, a simple grilled cheese made with Wonder Bread and Kraft Singles seems to always satisfy.

Cheese is an art.  This event will bring together dairy farmers, cheesemakers, merchants, chefs and more.  Take a farm tour, learn to evaluate cheese like a pro, and see what it takes to produce local favorites.  Educate yourself on how to pair beers and wines with your fromage of choice.  Then, indulge at the Sunday marketplace, shopping and tasting your way through more than 70 artisan producers.

You'll never buy canned spray cheese again!  Well, maybe.

One Log House

Check out this guy's giant log!

One Log House

Garberville, CA

Clearly, this Humboldt County attraction was built by a man, as is evident by the minimalist design and lack of walk-in closets.

However, the ingenuity in design is quite impressive, given that it was created in pre-IKEA times...and out of a single redwood log.

Not for the claustrophobic, this residence has everything you need to maintain a frugal lifestyle with a few small luxuries.  Inside this enormous 2100-year old hollowed-out log you'll find a kitchen, solo breakfast nook, two (!) beds with headboard shelving, a couch and a dining table for two.

What's missing?  A toilet, shower and ventilation!  Not exactly the place to bring a date back to at the end of the night.

Old Faithful Geyser

Sunset Magazine!  What more do you want?

Old Faithful Geyser

Calistoga, CA

Old Faithful leaves nature lovers oohing and aahing over the marvel brought about by the culmination of water, heat and fissures and fractures within the earth.  Given the near-accurate 30-minute intervals, skeptics wonder if the steam and water attraction is button-controlled by the cashier inside the gift shop!

Be patient, and a rumbling beneath the ground will lead to a spectacular eruption of scalding-hot water shooting nearly 100 feet into the air.  Pass the time between water shows by petting the four-horned sheep, llamas, or attempting to startle the famous Tennessee Fainting Goats into collapse.

If the intervals are suspiciously longer than 30 minutes during your visit, be sure to secure your belongings once you arrive home - it may indicate an earthquake is near.  You've been warned!

Rocky Mountain Oyster Fry - 03/17/12

Go balls out and try EVERYTHING!

Rocky Mountain Oyster Fry
Virginia City, NV

"Rocky Mountain Oysters" are BEEF TESTICLES, people.  There, I said it.

As versatile as any other meat that is ground to a pulp or smothered in spices or sauces, rendering it unrecognizable, it can be found in risotto, tacos, jalapeno poppers and even wonton.  A buck gets you a sample at any of the booths.  A little hesistant?  Start out with some beer-battered balls on a stick - because, quite frankly, anything dipped in beer batter sounds good to me.

Half the entertainment is in a booth's signage.  As you can imagine, every clever reference to nuts, balls, cajones etc. are featured here.

Oddly enough, this is considered a family-friendly event, with face-painting and magicians readily available.  So, bring the kids, munch on some gourmet gonads, then brag to your colleagues at the water cooler on Monday morning.  How can that not impress?

Taste of Solvang - 03/14/12 - 03/18/12

Um, where can I find these?

Taste of Solvang
Solvang, CA

Ah, Solvang.  The old-world charm!  The bakeries!  The windmills!  The bakeries!

In this quaint little village, shopping and dining are king, the weather is usually cooperative, and visitors can be found scarfing Aebelskiver.

Aebelskiver are tennis-ball shaped pastry spheres created, as if by magic, from a batter akin to that of pancakes or waffles.  Sorry, Krispy Kreme...anything that may look like a donut but is made in special pans and are served by locals who know the history of said pastry are entitled to all street cred.

These delicacies are but one treat featured during this event.  Got the metabolism to indulge for three days?  Participate in the Dessert Reception featuring premiere local wineries and chocolatiers.  The next day, make 40 - yes, 40 - stops during the Walking Smorgaasbord.  On the last day of the event, enjoy live entertainment as you BYOP (Bring Your Own Picnic) to Solvang Park, wondering how you gained seven pounds in the last 48 hours.

Afterwards head home and get back to your normal life, "indulging" in sub-par donut holes at the local Winchell's.  Bah.

OstrichLand USA

Like yours truly, this guy is always hungry.

OstrichLand USA
Solvang, CA

After spending several hours shoving Aebleskiver down your throat (which sounds a lot dirtier than it is), the next logical thing to do would be...feeding ostriches, of course!

A few bucks get you the experience of a lifetime.  Dog dishes affixed to dust pans are the perfect receptacles for food pellets; hold onto these handles for dear life, as the creatures will try time and time again to grab the contraptions out of your weak little hands.  This is where strong core muscles come into play: plant your feet, don't turn your back to the birds, and hope for the best.

Afterwards, stand back and admire these beautiful creatures.  Then, ponder the fact that contrary to all other birds, ostriches are the only ones who store their urine separate from their feces.  Just something to keep in mind the next time you bite into that juicy ostrich burger.

Huntington Beach Kite Party - 03/10/12 - 03/11/12

Go fly a kite!

Huntington Beach Kite Party
Huntington Beach, CA

My 4th or 5th grade class held a homemade kite-making contest.  The instructions were simple: build a kite at home, bring it to school, be judged by your peers.

My resourceful father fetched two tree branches from the backyard, then cut up a brown paper grocery bag for the traditional diamond-shaped face of the kite.  For the next couple hours, I sat and decorated it with fat Crayola markers.

When I was done, I asked him if he was going to make a tail for the kite.  I vaguely remember him saying something like, "They asked for a kite, not a tail!"  Imagine my embarrassment when I was the only kite-maker who showed up with a kite, sans tail.  My gracious teacher must have felt my pain, because she affixed a tail before hanging up my kite with those belonging to my classmates.

Feel free to bring your own creation to the Huntington Beach Kite Party, although local retailer Kite Connection sells them right on the pier.  This aerial celebration draws kite fliers from all over the globe to show off their skills, and a roped-off section is reserved for pros.

Keep your fingers crossed for a nice breeze, or you'll be sitting in the sand with a kite as lifeless as my grammar school project.

North Lake Tahoe SnowFest - 03/02/12 - 03/11/12

The best cure for the cold!

North Lake Tahoe SnowFest
Various Locations, Tahoe City, CA

SnowFest is a collection of events in and around Tahoe City, many of which involve food...so, what's not to like?

This year's culinary happenings include a rib fest, pub crawl, pancake breakfast, and competitions like the Fastest Server and Hot Dog Eating Contests.  Feel full from just reading this?  Burn some extra calories by skiing the 1960 Winter Olympics Biathlon Trail.  For the less adventurous, there's always the Snow Sculpture Contest.

Just thinking about Tahoe at this time of year makes me cold. Must...find...hot...chocolate...

City of 10,000 Buddhas

(Please silence all cell phones.)

The City of 10,000 Buddhas
Ukiah, CA

The City of 10,000 Buddhas reminds me of my great-grandmother's basement...except that it's above-ground and the walls are lined with thousands of spectacular Buddha statues instead of countless jars of unrecognizable home-canned fruit, circa WWII.

The City boasts a university, secondary and elementary schools and a gift shop.  Students constantly sweep the streets to maintain a pristine environment.  Be sure to adhere to the 15 MPH speed limit to minimize the exhaust inhaled by students, staff and wildlife such as deer and peacocks that roam freely around campus.

The main attraction is most certainly the Hall of 10,000 Buddhas, a behemoth of a space lined floor to ceiling with Buddha statues from large to small.  Believers and atheists alike can appreciate the spectacle that includes magnificent altars, hundreds of kneelers, musical instruments and artwork of all sorts depicting the spiritual teacher.

If it's all too overwhelming for you, sit back and enjoy some Sweet and Sour Tofu or Broccoli with Cashews at Jyun Kang, the restaurant located right on campus.  Vegetarianism never tasted so heavenly.

The 6th Annual San Francisco International Chocolate Salon - 03/04/12

Breakfast of champions!

The 6th Annual San Francisco International Chocolate Salon
San Francisco, CA

Salons are supposed to make you feel pretty and boost your self-esteem. This salon made me hide behind my giant, dark sunglasses hoping no one noticed as I shoveled treat after treat down my throat.

To say, "If you like chocolate, this event is for you!" is an understatement. Not only can you wolf down truffles, cookies, ice cream and exotic cacao bars, you can also learn to pair them with appropriate wines, attend Q&A sessions with chocolatiers and meet local dessert cookbook authors. Explore even further with chocolate body painting!

Fort Mason is a beautiful waterfront property, and if you don't arrive early, closeby parking will be an impossibility.  Get over it, and enjoy the chance to burn off some of that sugary goodness.

California State Yo-Yo Championship - 03/03/12

Yo!

California State Yo-Yo Championship

Sacramento, CA

When I was 9 years old I had a purple Duncan Butterfly yo-yo.  I was obsessed with the thing; and by "obsessed" I mean I would spend upwards of 12 to 13 good minutes a day trying to "walk the dog" or figure out something else that would impress my parents.  At that age, concentrating on anything for more than 10 minutes was a feat.

That being said, I never imagined there would be entire days devoted to yo-offs, or whatever the official term may be.  Yet, aficionados of the hobby are scheduled to congregate for over 8 hours of Gyroscopic Flops, Hidemasa Hooks and Throwhand Grinds.  Yes, I had to Google those.

Stop by, if only to hear each competitor's chosen background music, and place your bets on the first to be disqualified for their song's vulgar or sexual language.  Rules are rules!