Rainbow Festival - 08/31/12 - 09/02/12

Taste the rainbow!

Rainbow Festival -08/31/12 - 09/02/12
Sacramento, CA

While passersby may think this is just another celebration of gay, lesbian and transgender pride, they may be surprised to learn that, at the heart of this annual celebration, lies a philanthropic agenda: publicizing charities important to this particular community.

Located in the Lavender Heights area of midtown Sacramento, this event is an all-out party with festival-goers hopping from Faces to Hot Rod's to Badlands to Headhunters...and then back to Faces.  Why, you ask?  Um, have you seen their bartenders?  Those guys have better bikini bodies than most chicks I know.

The only thing that could make guests any happier would be Debbie Gibson, on stage, performing her greatest hits.  Oh, too late!  That already happened a few years back.

Glass Beach

A safe (?) place to walk on broken glass.

Glass Beach

Fort Bragg, CA

On a picture-perfect day, you can see for miles.  Endless stretches of beach, salty waves crashing into the rocky shoreline, and butts up in the air belonging to those collecting bits of glass, polished by the sea, all while giving beach rules against such behavior the collective middle finger.

Decades ago, the area surrounding Glass Beach was a dumping ground.  Refuse was thrown right into the ocean, including vehicles!  By the mid-60s, the activity was banned. Today, glass still washes ashore, shiny from years of erosion, among occasional rusty spark plugs and newer gum wrappers from today's nefarious youth.

Be sure not to go barefoot!  You'd think that would be obvious, right?

Corning Olive Festival - 08/24/12 - 08/25/12

Oh yeah - I'll eat these, too!

Corning Olive Festival
Corning, CA

The only olives I can stand are the black ones - either on my pizza or worn on the tips of my fingers.

Therefore, any olive festival I'm going to drive 129 miles to better have a damn good draw; something worth that two-hour drive.  Something like...a bed race!

The official Bed Race Rules are long and exhaustive, but the contest has it all: bed riders and runners, a costume change halfway through...and a strict no-brakes policy. The teams' objective?  Cross the finish line, of course. The spectators' objective?  Single out the team who "prepared" for competition at the local bar, then watch as sheer bedlam (get it?) inevitably ensues.

Now back to the festival: there's a cook-off, talent show, and the annual crowning of Miss Corning.  Don't forget the pancake breakfast on Saturday, which you'll probably want to enjoy after participating in the Fun Run.  Just some friendly advice.

Madonna Inn

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro...in a blue,
round, king-sized bed.

Madonna Inn
San Luis Obispo, CA

Whether you're a chick whose favorite color is pink, or a dude who enjoys pissing directly into waterfalls, the Madonna Inn has something for everyone.

What began as a 12-room inn during the late 1950s has now expanded to over 100 unique rooms.  On second thought, "unique" may be a bit of an understatement.  Peruse the inn's website and you'll find each guest room is tricked out with distinct themes you may never find anywhere else.  Consider the Buffalo Room, bathed in green carpeting and wall coverings, complete with a bed made from tree branches and its very own buffalo head (naturally).  Channel your inner Bruce Lee inside the Oriental Fantasy or your inner Betty Rubble as you enjoy the waterfall in your Caveman Room.

Got kids?  Enjoy the Old Mill, featuring a water wheel which "propels animated figurines in and out of the miniature mill structure".  It's like a page out of Disneyland's "It's a Small World" ride...but this time, without the annoying song.

Golden Gate Fields

This guy's job blows!

Golden Gate Fields
Albany, CA

Golden Gate Fields appeals to several sectors of the population: families looking to shut their kids up for an afternoon, ladies whose dreams of owning a pony never came true, degenerate gamblers thanking God for occasional $1 hot dog and beer specials, and folks like me who enjoy watching it all.

All kidding aside, this is a place where fun and excitement reign supreme.  If you don't enjoy watching teeny, tiny men race the bejeezus out of majestic galloping beasts, you're not American.  Watch for fun, or ask designated employees to teach you the ins and outs of sports betting.  Pepper this experience with food and drink specials, live musical performances and occasional theme days, and you've got the makings of a pretty spectacular weekend.

Still not sold?  Consider the fact that one ten-tenth of one percent of all wagers goes towards equine research.  Gamble...for education's sake!

Chula Vista Lemon Festival - 08/12/12

How many can I have?

Chula Vista Lemon Festival
Chula Vista, CA

Remember that episode of "The Brady Bunch" in which Jan rubbed her face with a lemon to get rid of her freckles?

That has nothing to do with this festival.  I just happened to like that episode.

The self-proclaimed "Lemon Capital of the World" is holding their annual festival in August, likely the best month to enjoy a cool, refreshing glass of lemonade while perusing art, boutique shopping, and enjoying a myriad of food choices.  Entertainment options vary from Latin percussion to Ballet Folklorico to an Elvis tribute.

Competitive?  Check out the pie eating and hula hoop contests to see if you can squeeze one into your schedule.  Get it?  Squeeze?  Lemons?

The Serpentarium

I can't save you 15% on your car insurance.

The Serpentarium
Lodi, CA

You'd think that after watching Perseus and his crew battle giant scorpions in 1981's "Clash of the Titans" at least four dozen times, I'd want to avoid the anthropods at all costs.

Well, maybe.

Lodi's "reptile superstore" is a mecca for fans of tortoises, lizards and frogs and provides feeders like mice (ick) and crickets (double ick!).  Reserve a spot on their Guided Tour and you'll have the opportunity to photograph and hold creatures like tarantulas and hissing cockroaches.

The Serpentarium also offers a myriad of services for your pets.  Beak filing, nail trimming and gender determination are offered; health inspections and advice are given if your snake is shedding in multiple pieces.  Hoping to keep your pet close forever?  Ask them about their taxidermy services.

Admission is only a couple of buck and can be used towards the purchase of anything in the store, including scorpions!  Aren't you lucky.

Festa Italiana - 08/04/12 - 08/05/12

For once, I'm speechless.

Festa Italiana
Carmichael, CA

There's something about a festival flyer, which looks as if it were ripped out of a Buca di Beppo menu, that makes me want to spend an entire day eating meatballs.  Imagine that.

You'll surely be able to get your fill of those, along with other Italian delicacies, at the Festa which includes bocce games, a marketplace chock full of Italian jewelry and art, and activities for the children.

The Festa culminates Sunday evening with a "Giant Raffle"...win a trip for two to Italy, then be grateful for the opportunity to sample pastas NOT from the Olive Garden.