West Coast Falconry

This experience is for the birds!

West Coast Falconry
Marysville, CA

There's an old belief that a bird pooping on you is a sign of good fortune to come as a result of suffering an inconvenience.

Luckily, I wasn't inconvenienced during my first falconry lesson given by the experienced instructors at West Coast Falconry.  A picturesque view of the Marysville hills provided enough of a gorgeous atmosphere to calm the nerves of even the most anxious first-timer.  Not that I needed it, of course - I couldn't wait to get up close and personal with a beautiful bird of prey!

Your lesson begins with an interactive discussion about the role the birds play in our environment, along with some helpful information about the sport of falconry.  But the real fun begins when participants take turns holding a hawk (hopefully, without freaking out), then learn to call a hawk to their gloves with simple hand motions.  Okay, okay, a little raw meat may also be involved, but it's still impressive.

Should you find that 60 minutes of instruction aren't nearly enough time to spend with these fascinating creatures, then make plans to return for their half-day Falconry Experience or 90-minute Hawk Walk through the Sierra Foothills.  Wear a hat, since a longer period of time spent with the birds increases your chances of being "inconvenienced".

San Diego Bay Wine & Food Festival - 11/14/12 - 11/18/12

Do NOT leave your bottle opener at home!

San Diego Bay Wine & Food Festival
San Diego, CA

This event provides a great opportunity to stretch those stomach muscles in preparation for Thanksgiving.

Now in its 8th year, this festival is the area's premiere destination for food and wine aficionados to attend cooking classes and wine tasting seminars, meets chefs and winemakers, and sample morsels from gourmet food companies.  Bid on a celebrity chef luncheon, then watch chefs compete for $50,000 in the Chef of the Fest competition.  Turn the event into a vacation with a Wine Weekend Getaway package including hotel accommodations and VIP experiences.

Crepes, sushi, gourmet chocolates and more can all be yours.  Enjoy an array of international cuisine before hunkering down with (at least) a week of turkey, turkey sandwiches, turkey enchiladas, turkey soup...catch my drift?

Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia

Strawberry, please!  Or, lemon.

Burlingame Pez Museum of Pez Memorabilia
Burlingame, CA

With a long and colorful history, Pez is arguably the coolest thing to come out of Austria besides "The Sound of Music" and Arnold Schwarzenneger (and that second one is questionable).

What began as a breath mint in the 1920s had evolved into an aid to quit smoking by the late 1940s.  Ironically, the first dispensers at that time resembled cigarette lighters.  Go figure.

During the 1950s, Pez dispensers resembled toy guns, Santa, and even robots.  By the end of the decade, the standard dispenser we've grown to love was designed and today you can tilt back the heads of barnyard animals, Hello Kitty or Chewbacca to access that famous candy pellet.

At the Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia, you'll find more vintage Pez dispensers than you can imagine, along with new merchandise, artwork and "The World's Largest Pez Dispensing Machine" standing at almost 8 feet!  That's going to be your best photo opportunity in Burlingame - believe me.

Still nostalgic?  The museum was expanded a few years ago to include the Classic Toy Museum.  A half hour with a Whee-lo should help you come down from that sugar high.

Santa Cruz Food Tour

Vinegar as an ice cream chaser - don't knock
it till you try it!

Santa Cruz Food Tour
Santa Cruz, CA

When ideal weather and my insatiable appetite collide, I am unstoppable.

Whether you're a tourist like me always looking for new ways to feed my face, or a long-time resident curious about everything Santa Cruz has to offer, this culinary adventure won't disappoint.  Unlike some food tours that drag you from restaurant to restaurant only to sample and nibble, with little else to see or do in between, the Santa Cruz Food Tour is a true gem.

Bring your appetite - and comfortable shoes.  Your 3.5 excursion is peppered with locally owned and award-winning spots offering scrumptious American and international fare, sweet treats, and frothy beverages...and it doesn't stop there!  Between caramelized onion-laden gourmet pizzas on homemade crusts and organic cupcakes using locally sourced ingredients, you'll learn about the founding of Santa Cruz and its first settlers.  Enjoy a waffle cone from the only shop in town that makes their ice cream completely from scratch as you embark on a fascinating lesson in local architecture.

Never done shots of olive oil?  Take this tour.  Never tried a balsamic vinegar soda?  Take this tour.  Never tasted blood orange anything?  TAKE THIS TOUR!

No need for dinner plans.  The leisurely 1.8 mile trek is hardly enough cardio to work up another appetite.  However, I do admit to revisiting the ice cream shop later that evening for one last treat.  After all, the tour provided additional discounts and coupons to all attendees.  I didn't want to seem rude!

O.C. Chocolate Festival - 11/02/12 - 11/03/12

(I'll take one of each!)

O.C. Chocolate Festival

Garden Grove, CA

Bravo, Orange County.  How do you top off a two-day fundraiser centered around chocolate tasting?  You add live jazz, chocolate demos and several "surprise contests" to the mix!

This decadent festival benefits the Fountain Valley Community Foundation as well as the Boys & Girls Club of Huntington Valley - as if you need more reasons to indulge in cakes, cookies, gelato, chocolate fountains and other decadent treats.  Pastry chefs and chocolate artists will battle it out in a tasty competition, and guests will have the chance to sample their creations.  Meanwhile, children 12 and under will enjoy the Kids Zone chock full of cocoa-inspired activities.

Keep in mind weather is cooler in November; splurge all you want, then hide out in baggy sweaters to mask your guilt for the next few days.

Tarantula Awareness Festival - 10/27/12

Yes, it's an irrational fear.  So, sue me!

Tarantula Awareness Festival
Coarsegold, CA

Interesting name for a festival, Madera County.  I'm already pretty aware of the existence of tarantulas...mainly because they scare the crap out of me.

With Halloween around the corner, there's no shortage of pumpkin patches, lame haunted houses, and costume contests featuring women clad in "naughty" versions of every occupation imaginable.  For those looking for something more unique, search no further: the historic village of Coarsegold has you covered.

More than just a roundup of creepy tarantulas and their owners, the festival provides an entire day of activities that include food (thank God) and several contests that don't involve touching the aforementioned arachnids.  Bring your best pumpkin cake, forego shaving for the hairy leg contest (women, too!), or arrive with an empty belly in preparation for the pizza eating competition.  If partaking in the latter, you'll be happy to know that fifteen minutes of Jazzercise will occur mid-afternoon.

Dress up the kids decorate a pumpkin, and hold a tarantula - if you dare.

Pismo Beach Clam Festival - 10/19/12 - 10/21/12

The only thing missing is my fork.

Pismo Beach Clam Festival
Pismo Beach, CA

As if living in an oceanside community isn't enough, the residents of Pismo Beach have to flaunt their camaraderie and community involvement each year with their exciting Clam Festival!

Pismo boasts a laid-back, yet sophisticated lifestyle with plenty of beach activity and arguably the best cinnamon rolls on the coast (I'm talking about YOU, Old West).  The annual Clam Festival kicks off with a Wine Walk on Friday night and continues throughout the weekend with live music, entertainment, a chowder cook-off (naturally) and even a clam dig. Saturday morning's parade is a showcase of local talent, businesses, schools and any other groups who enjoy marching in formation.

Have a few bucks handy to participate in chowder tasting, and B.Y.O.B.B. (Bring Your Own Bread Bowl) if you're fancy like that.

Riverbank Cheese & Wine Exposition - 10/13/12 - 10/14/12

These should get me through the weekend.

Riverbank Cheese & Wine Exposition
Riverbank, CA

My favorite thing to do at events like these is to compliment how well someone "cuts the cheese" as they slice into a big block of cheddar.

Actually, that never happens.  I'm far too immature to pull that off with a straight face.

I'm not sure what exactly defines this as an exposition; all that really matters is that there's a ton of cheese and wine for the taking...and that's never a bad thing.  On top of that, over 200 vendors will be selling crafts, antiques, and non-queso-related snacks to balance out all that dairy.

Stroll around, sip some wine, and finally learn what "bandaged cheddar" is so you can finally sleep at night.

Santa Barbara Harbor & Seafood Festival - 10/13/12

Toothpicks?  Am I supposed to share?

Santa Barbara Harbor & Seafood Festival
Santa Barbara, CA

We get it, Santa Barbara.  You are awesome.  Your people are beautiful, your scenery is breathtaking, and your possibilities for fun and adventure are seemingly limitless.

Must you rub it in with a freaking seafood festival?

I give up.  I'll enjoy forkfuls or crab as I stroll along the harbor, watching kayakers soak up the sun.  I'll plant my butt in the shade of a tree with a bisected lobster, swathed with clarified butter, wishing that was my houseboat with the golden retriever napping on deck.  I'll watch chefs master the art of crab cakes and cioppino, then end the day with a leisurely boat tour, witnessing a spectacular sunset unmatched by anything in Elk Grove.

Is that what you want, Santa Barbara?  For me to experience, for one day, a magically delicious event in an ideal climate and picturesque setting?  With free admission?  Okay, if you insist.

The Brady Bunch House

Nine people in one house and only the maid
gets a room to herself.  Hmm...

The Brady Bunch House
Los Angeles, CA

My inner stalker couldn't wait to find this destination during my last visit to Los Angeles.  I'll refrain from listing the actual address here so the owner(s) can't blame me when you linger too long with your telephoto lens.

The Brady Bunch was the rerun show to watch if (1) you were stuck indoors during summers in the 1980s and (2) your grandfather/babysitter had cable television.  At precisely 1:35pm each  weekday, I'd be parked in front of a 50-pound cube-shaped television tuned to TBS, and my world would stop.  My attention hung on every word spoken by six kids who shared a bathroom with no visible toilet.

Fast forward two decades and change, and I found myself parked in front of the very home used in the sitcom's exterior shots.  No, the show was not filmed inside this one-story abode.  First of all, how many shows are actually filmed inside real homes?  Second of all, the show clearly featured a two-story home with an attic!  Third, I'm going to assume this backyard isn't lined with astroturf.

I parked around the corner and waited for the homeowner to finish watering her front lawn before snapping a few shots.  This may not have been on my bucket list, but it brought back a flood of childhood memories and provided an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. Groovy.

Calaveras Grape Stomp - 10/06/12

These will get your juices flowing!

Calaveras Grape Stomp
Murphys, CA

If you've never considered whether this event might be heaven for podophiliacs, maybe now you have.

Perhaps second only to that other big Calaveras contest involving frogs, the Grape Stomp is a popular annual tradition that draws teams from all over, some costumed, to see who can most effectively pulverize delicious, slippery juicy grapes...with their bare feet.  Stompers crush the grapes underneath their weight while their partners, the swabbers, stand outside of the barrel to catch the resulting juice.

Initial heats lead to the semi-finals, and the best of the best advance to the Championship Stomp.  After all that foot juicing, you've got to wonder if that's what leads to toe jam.  Come on, people...grapes...jam...toes...I made that work.

Gold Nugget Museum

Eureka!

Gold Nugget Museum

Paradise, CA

Television shows such as "Gold Rush Alaska" and "Gold Fever" have inspired a new generation of wannabe prospectors hoping to find flakes and nuggets at the bottoms of their gold pans or in the ridges of  their sluice boxes.  Since the late 1840s, individuals have migrated to California, searching high and low in hopes of striking it rich.

The Gold Nugget Museum houses a collection of exhibits and publications about the gold rush era and is staffed entirely by volunteers. The Museum hosts events throughout the year, such as Tent City, where you can see how the miners lived and learn panning and mining techniques.  The Miss Gold Nugget Pageant is open to high school juniors who not only must create their own gold rush period dresses, but submit portfolios as well.

If chilly metal folding chairs don't bother you, ask a docent to pop in one of the many DVDs they show throughout the day.  If you're lucky enough to catch the same film I did, John Lithgow will merrily narrate a fascinating history of the trials and tribulations of the miners, complete with how they travelled and what they ate.  Docents are happy to supplement the stories with additional information and suggest other educational materials.  Be sure to leave a donation to keep the Museum running!

AppeteasersUSA

Pace yourself, folks!

AppeteasersUSA
Folsom, CA

Pub Crawls are much like progressive dinners...but faaaaaaaar less sober.  They're also great options for those who like to enjoy their beverages while being led by the hand to the next cocktail special.

Appeteasers tours have a little something for everyone.  Along with several stops during a multi-hour walking tour, there will be complimentary appetizers and dessert bites as well as discounted beer, wine and cocktails.  You'll visit local art galleries, dive bars and wine cellars all while sampling tasty cuisine; tour guides point out historical references and landmarks along the way, but that all goes by the wayside around stop number four (or three, if you're a lightweight like me).  As an added bonus, you'll likely make new friends with your fellow tour participants who hail from all over Callifornia...and beyond!

Personal tip: if you find yourself devouring chocolate mousse cake after the tour to satisfy your sweet tooth, star far, far away from the Tuaca shots at the Folsom Hotel and Saloon afterwards - even if an old man is buying.  I learned the hard way, people.

California Candy Festival - 09/22/12 - 09/23/12

This is BETTER than Halloween.

California Candy Festival
Fairfield, CA

What do you get when you combine candy, roller coasters, music and wine?

A pretty awesome day, that's what!

Located at the Jelly Belly Factory, this event will pay tribute to confections of all kinds including ice cream, cupcakes, chocolate-dipped fruit, gourmet marshmallows and countless other desserts.  Balance out the sweets with snacks from popular area food trucks...then go back for more caramel corn, funnel cakes and shaved ice.

Activities and vendors will satisfy folks of all ages.  Between the mechanical bull, jewelry and photography booths, and candy-making demos, there's something for everyone.  Adults will enjoy the Chocolate Wine Pairings Experience, which includes chocolate tastings and a souvenir wine glass.  Just do everyone a favor and try the zipline before imbibing.  Deal?  Deal.

Eat Real Festival - 09/21/12 - 09/23/12

Wipe that saliva off your chin!

Eat Real Festival
Oakland, CA

Mobile dining has exploded in the last few years.  Talented chefs with a knack for entrepreneurship are able to cater (get it?) to the masses, and this is a perfect time to market to the average Joe who may be too strapped for cash for a formal dining experience, but is willing to shell out a couple extra bucks to avoid the Taco Bell drive-thru.  Admit it: fresh fish tacos beat a Bellgrande anything 100% of the time.

The Eat Real Festival has enjoyed increasing interest, such that a Los Angeles event was added to meet the demands of Southern Californians. Dozens of trucks are on hand, serving up everything from drinks to desserts...and that's not all.  This festival is sheer heaven for those who not only love to eat, but want to learn where their food comes from and how it's prepared.  You can meet local farmers, watch a butchery contest, witness a master noodle-puller (it's exactly as interesting as it sounds) or explore pretzel-making.

Then again, you can skip all the educational crap and have your own progressive breakfast/lunch/dinner hopping from truck to truck, gorging on everything from paella to plachinta to pork buns.  Cash only.  Come prepared.

Folsom City Zoo Sanctuary

Donations welcome.  Don't be 
a cheapskate!

Folsom Zoo Sanctuary
Folsom, CA

The Folsom City Zoo Sanctuary is a great alternative to the Sacramento Zoo if you prefer not to drive in circles for hours to find a parking spot.

Additionally, the $6.00 admission price (less for kids) is a great low-cost choice if you don't mind a few animals missing from their cages here and there.

For nearly three decades, the Sanctuary has been a safe haven for rescued and injured animals.  Some find permanent residency here, and some stay temporarily before finding new homes.  The Sanctuary is home to a wide variety of residents including bears, canines, reptiles and numerous peacocks that roam free, providing unique photo opps.

Ask for the availability of a private table for your group to enjoy breakfast on the bear deck prior to the zoo opening.  Food for humans may not be included, but food for bears is a guarantee if you don't stay on your side of the glass wall.

Danish Days - 09/14/12 - 09/16/12

Cocoa and vino: a winning combination.

Danish Days
Solvang, CA

The words "Aebleskiver Breakfast" make me want to drop whatever I'm doing and drive five hours to Santa Barbara county.  Is that weird?

Danish Day is more than just a mere celebration of culture and history.  It's interactive. How many festivals allow you to casually stroll through a farmers market, then immediately try on Viking armor or hold Viking weapons while listening to a live band playing from atop something called the Carlsberg Beer Wagon?  Admit it, that sounds more than slightly awesome.

After a weekend of inhaling pastries, daytime wine tasting and nighttime imbibing at the Solvang Brewing Company, enjoy the closing ceremonies in Solvang Park on Sunday afternoon.  Like Grandma always said, nothing cures a hangover like a big Danish sausage.  This IS what she meant, right?

Museum of Death

The best museum in L.A....no bones about it!

Museum of Death
Hollywood, CA

I can't seem to get enough of the "dark side".  I'll watch autopsies on TLC, ancient burial methods on the History Channel, and will call it a day if I run across a marathon of Family Plots, an A&E Channel series about a family-owned mortuary.

Admit it.  It fascinates you, too.  That's precisely why you should make your way to the Museum of Death in Hollywood, a veritable mecca of items such as morgue photography, letters from death row inmates and artwork by serial murderers.  Have a strong stomach?  Spend an afternoon watching embalming tutorials, studying the Heavens Gate cult recruiting video, and perusing crime scene shots.  You can even examine replicas of execution devices.

Great place for a marriage proposal, right?  Might put that "till death do us part" stuff in perspective.

Ghirardelli Chocolate Festival - 09/08/12 - 09/09/12

Don't mind if I do!

Ghirardelli Chocolate Festival
San Francisco, CA

This event has it all: buttloads of chocolate (obviously), multiple age divisions of their famed ice cream-eating contest, and lots of cardio provided by the requisite dodging of unsupervised children with sticky, fudgy hands.

Purchase your chosen allotment of tickets, then run amuck sampling cookies, hot chocolate, ice cream, truffles and more...the sky's the limit! Festival veterans such as yours truly prepare a la crab feeds and bring Ziploc bags to fill with goodies to enjoy at home.  If the treats make it home, that is.

Once the crowds die down, go back to your favorite booths and thank them personally for all the extra work you'll have to put in at the gym during the coming week.  I'm sure they'll appreciate that.

Pittsburg Seafood Festival - 09/08/12 - 09/09/12

When I seafood...you know what happens.

Pittsburg Seafood Festival
Pittsburg, CA

A lot of cool stuff happened in 1984: the U.S. hosted the Olympic games; "When Doves Cry" topped the Billboard charts; and Pittsburg held its first annual Seafood Festival.

Going strong for nearly three decades, the Pittsburg Seafood Festival is not just a celebration of, well, seafood, but also the local community and those who live in it. Besides the countless seafood and snack vendors, highlights include dance and musical acts and other displays of talent which I am hoping, based on the egregious errors found the festival website, do not include a spelling bee.

More than 40 vendors will be on hand serving everything from calamari to kettle corn, allowing you to sample a varied cuisine while enjoying live entertainment on multiple stages before settling in at the beer and wine pavilion.  Fancy!

Computer History Museum

Here's a photo of a bunch of stuff way over my head.

Computer History Museum
Mountain View, CA

Imagine a world without computers: no sexting, no DVRs to record your Real World marathons, and no microwaves to nuke your Hot Pockets. There goes your Friday night.

A trip to the Computer History Museum will make you even more grateful for technology as you learn about Charles Babbage, a pioneer from the late 1700s who designed the first "automatic computing engine" that weighed several tons from over 8,000 parts.  And you thought having last year's iPhone was inconvenient.

Check out vintage computer brochures, learn about the history of computer chess, and pay tribute to the Hall of Fellows, a group of men and women who've made significant contributions to the industry.  Afterwards, head over to the cafe and enjoy a dessert panini while you stalk your high school crush via Facebook on your Blackberry.

Rainbow Festival - 08/31/12 - 09/02/12

Taste the rainbow!

Rainbow Festival -08/31/12 - 09/02/12
Sacramento, CA

While passersby may think this is just another celebration of gay, lesbian and transgender pride, they may be surprised to learn that, at the heart of this annual celebration, lies a philanthropic agenda: publicizing charities important to this particular community.

Located in the Lavender Heights area of midtown Sacramento, this event is an all-out party with festival-goers hopping from Faces to Hot Rod's to Badlands to Headhunters...and then back to Faces.  Why, you ask?  Um, have you seen their bartenders?  Those guys have better bikini bodies than most chicks I know.

The only thing that could make guests any happier would be Debbie Gibson, on stage, performing her greatest hits.  Oh, too late!  That already happened a few years back.

Glass Beach

A safe (?) place to walk on broken glass.

Glass Beach

Fort Bragg, CA

On a picture-perfect day, you can see for miles.  Endless stretches of beach, salty waves crashing into the rocky shoreline, and butts up in the air belonging to those collecting bits of glass, polished by the sea, all while giving beach rules against such behavior the collective middle finger.

Decades ago, the area surrounding Glass Beach was a dumping ground.  Refuse was thrown right into the ocean, including vehicles!  By the mid-60s, the activity was banned. Today, glass still washes ashore, shiny from years of erosion, among occasional rusty spark plugs and newer gum wrappers from today's nefarious youth.

Be sure not to go barefoot!  You'd think that would be obvious, right?

Corning Olive Festival - 08/24/12 - 08/25/12

Oh yeah - I'll eat these, too!

Corning Olive Festival
Corning, CA

The only olives I can stand are the black ones - either on my pizza or worn on the tips of my fingers.

Therefore, any olive festival I'm going to drive 129 miles to better have a damn good draw; something worth that two-hour drive.  Something like...a bed race!

The official Bed Race Rules are long and exhaustive, but the contest has it all: bed riders and runners, a costume change halfway through...and a strict no-brakes policy. The teams' objective?  Cross the finish line, of course. The spectators' objective?  Single out the team who "prepared" for competition at the local bar, then watch as sheer bedlam (get it?) inevitably ensues.

Now back to the festival: there's a cook-off, talent show, and the annual crowning of Miss Corning.  Don't forget the pancake breakfast on Saturday, which you'll probably want to enjoy after participating in the Fun Run.  Just some friendly advice.

Madonna Inn

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro...in a blue,
round, king-sized bed.

Madonna Inn
San Luis Obispo, CA

Whether you're a chick whose favorite color is pink, or a dude who enjoys pissing directly into waterfalls, the Madonna Inn has something for everyone.

What began as a 12-room inn during the late 1950s has now expanded to over 100 unique rooms.  On second thought, "unique" may be a bit of an understatement.  Peruse the inn's website and you'll find each guest room is tricked out with distinct themes you may never find anywhere else.  Consider the Buffalo Room, bathed in green carpeting and wall coverings, complete with a bed made from tree branches and its very own buffalo head (naturally).  Channel your inner Bruce Lee inside the Oriental Fantasy or your inner Betty Rubble as you enjoy the waterfall in your Caveman Room.

Got kids?  Enjoy the Old Mill, featuring a water wheel which "propels animated figurines in and out of the miniature mill structure".  It's like a page out of Disneyland's "It's a Small World" ride...but this time, without the annoying song.

Golden Gate Fields

This guy's job blows!

Golden Gate Fields
Albany, CA

Golden Gate Fields appeals to several sectors of the population: families looking to shut their kids up for an afternoon, ladies whose dreams of owning a pony never came true, degenerate gamblers thanking God for occasional $1 hot dog and beer specials, and folks like me who enjoy watching it all.

All kidding aside, this is a place where fun and excitement reign supreme.  If you don't enjoy watching teeny, tiny men race the bejeezus out of majestic galloping beasts, you're not American.  Watch for fun, or ask designated employees to teach you the ins and outs of sports betting.  Pepper this experience with food and drink specials, live musical performances and occasional theme days, and you've got the makings of a pretty spectacular weekend.

Still not sold?  Consider the fact that one ten-tenth of one percent of all wagers goes towards equine research.  Gamble...for education's sake!

Chula Vista Lemon Festival - 08/12/12

How many can I have?

Chula Vista Lemon Festival
Chula Vista, CA

Remember that episode of "The Brady Bunch" in which Jan rubbed her face with a lemon to get rid of her freckles?

That has nothing to do with this festival.  I just happened to like that episode.

The self-proclaimed "Lemon Capital of the World" is holding their annual festival in August, likely the best month to enjoy a cool, refreshing glass of lemonade while perusing art, boutique shopping, and enjoying a myriad of food choices.  Entertainment options vary from Latin percussion to Ballet Folklorico to an Elvis tribute.

Competitive?  Check out the pie eating and hula hoop contests to see if you can squeeze one into your schedule.  Get it?  Squeeze?  Lemons?

The Serpentarium

I can't save you 15% on your car insurance.

The Serpentarium
Lodi, CA

You'd think that after watching Perseus and his crew battle giant scorpions in 1981's "Clash of the Titans" at least four dozen times, I'd want to avoid the anthropods at all costs.

Well, maybe.

Lodi's "reptile superstore" is a mecca for fans of tortoises, lizards and frogs and provides feeders like mice (ick) and crickets (double ick!).  Reserve a spot on their Guided Tour and you'll have the opportunity to photograph and hold creatures like tarantulas and hissing cockroaches.

The Serpentarium also offers a myriad of services for your pets.  Beak filing, nail trimming and gender determination are offered; health inspections and advice are given if your snake is shedding in multiple pieces.  Hoping to keep your pet close forever?  Ask them about their taxidermy services.

Admission is only a couple of buck and can be used towards the purchase of anything in the store, including scorpions!  Aren't you lucky.

Festa Italiana - 08/04/12 - 08/05/12

For once, I'm speechless.

Festa Italiana
Carmichael, CA

There's something about a festival flyer, which looks as if it were ripped out of a Buca di Beppo menu, that makes me want to spend an entire day eating meatballs.  Imagine that.

You'll surely be able to get your fill of those, along with other Italian delicacies, at the Festa which includes bocce games, a marketplace chock full of Italian jewelry and art, and activities for the children.

The Festa culminates Sunday evening with a "Giant Raffle"...win a trip for two to Italy, then be grateful for the opportunity to sample pastas NOT from the Olive Garden.

Blue Diamond Nut & Gift Shop

Grabbing cans and nuts has never been so cheap!

Blue Diamond Nut & Gift Shop
Sacramento, CA

This place is nuts...literally!

The California almond industry grew from a loose network of growers and shippers 100 years ago into a powerful cooperative responsible for producing more than 80 percent of the world's almond supply.  Almonds are currently California's largest food export.

A mecca for almond fans, this shop offers the entire line of Blue Diamond products at discounted prices.  If you're not into their iconic Smokehouse Almonds, you can choose from Nut Chips, Almond Butter, Almond Breeze or a variety of Oven Roasted Nuts (FYI - the Dark Chocolate Nuts are amazing).

Assemble a basket for gift-giving, or grab all the nut sacks you want for your own enjoyment.  That's right, I said it.

SF Chefs 2012 - 07/30/12 - 08/05/12

Time to use those sick days...

SF Chefs 2012
San Francisco, CA

It's a good thing I don't live in San Francisco, because events like this would highly motivate me to play hooky from work.  A lot.

SF Chefs is a week-long celebration of food, wine and spirits.  Venues throughout the city host lectures, classes and other culinary-related events, allowing participants to network with industry professionals, meet celebrity chefs, and even learn how to spot a great piece of pork at the butcher counter.

The largest draw is the Grand Tasting Tent right on Union Square, which hosts three consecutive days of all-you-can-scarf samples that put Costco to shame.  Get your tickets before they sell out or you'll be resigned to watching the crowds from the balcony of the Cheesecake Factory.  Sigh.

Skunk Train

Cue Foghat right about now.

Skunk Train
Fort Bragg / Willits, CA

With over 125 years of history in Mendocino County, the Skunk Train not only provides passengers with a dose of nostalgia, but also a very, very slow way to travel between Fort Bragg and Willits.

Choose between a variety of one-ways, round-trips and overnighters, as well as special events which may include barbecue meals or Easter egg hunts.  Chug along miles of tracks which snake through the redwoods and catch glimpses of deer and water fowl as you pass over bridges, pondering a much quieter time before iPads, cell phones and mp3 players.

The nickname "Skunk" was earned in the mid-1920s when the fumes created by the gasolines engines combined with fumes from crude oil burned to keep passengers warm.  Folks living along the tracks often stated they could smell the train before they could see it.  This is still a far more desirable warning than today's men with their Axe Body Spray.

Wine, Cheese & Bread Faire - 07/21/12 - 07/22/12

This is no time for sobriety!

Wine, Cheese & Bread Faire
Sacramento, CA

One of Sacramento's best-kept secrets (until now), the Old Sugar Mill is gaining popularity as a food and wine destination for those searching for good eats and drinks off the beaten path.  Home to a handful of wineries as well as a custom crush facility, the vino produced here is of such high quality that the mill is an ideal stop for people like me who are sometimes too lazy to trek it all the way to Napa.

The Wine, Cheese & Bread Faire is the "Ultimate Gourmet Wine & Food Shopping Experience", bringing together a myriad of chocolatiers, cheesemakers, local bakers and other vendors to provide scrumptious munchies to pair with your favorite wines. Your ticket includes winery tours, food and wine tastings, chef seminars and demos, and swag like a commemorative wine glass.

Not a fan of wine?  Your "designated driver" ticket will be discounted and you'll be provided with a free soda or water.  Plus, you'll get to wear one awesome wristband! Score.

Jelly Belly

This may be the happiest bus on Earth.

Jelly Belly
Fairfield, CA

Ah, Jelly Belly...an iconic product as well as the name of the condition you'll develop if you eat too many of these pint-sized treats.

A trip to this candy factory is a feast for the senses.  Once out of your car, you'll be hit with the scents of flavors being concocted that particular day (typically no more than ten) before even stepping foot inside.  Enter, and you'll discover a colorful wonderland of their signature jelly beans, luscious chocolates, and candy art that will dazzle the imagination.

Jelly Belly offers free factory tours; if you arrive early, you may be as lucky as I was to enjoy a practically private tour before throngs of field-trippin' grade-schoolers arrived.

Your tour guide will review the history of the company, explain its importance in Presidential culture and guide you through each phase of bean creation, providing samples at several stages.  Large windows allow you to witness all aspects of the factory, from raw ingredients on pallets to shipping.  Watch as machinery stamps Jelly Belly logos onto beans at the rate of 20,000 per minute, a necessity since they also produce 240 bags in the same amount of time.

At the conclusion of your tour, enjoy your complimentary Jelly Bellys and be sure to ask which two works of candy art they're forbidden from ever displaying again (I'll take them!).

Citrus Festival - 07/20/12 - 07/22/12

Pucker up!

Citrus Festival
Santa Paula, CA

The most fascinating aspect of this festival is the myriad of citrus-related cooking, eating and drinking contests, although any time a competition involves drinking, it should really be referred to as "chugging".  Am I right? Of course.

Been stashing away your coveted Lemon Marmalade recipe?  Looking to don that Sunkist orange costume you've been dying to wear...again?  Or, can you peel avocados faster than other famous avocado peelers whose names escape me at the moment?  Well, then step right up.

If you're not the type to go public with your lemonade chugging, er, drinking skills, you can still have fun learning about the local produce of Ventura County.  Did you know that you'd have to eat seven cups of Corn Flakes to equal the amount of fiber in one medium orange?  Well, now you do.

Moon Amtrak / Metrolink - 07/14/12

All aboard!

Moon Amtrak / Metrolink
Laguna Niguel, CA

I was once mooned at a tailgate party prior to a Jimmy Buffet concert.  Maybe that's how they pick up chicks in Columbus, Ohio...who knows.  I distinctly remember it was a father and son team.  The son was in fairly decent shape, his derriere was tan, and he seemed just happy to be there.  His father, on the other hand, was a hot, drunken mess, with a butt that was not only flabby, but had the added bonus of being hairy and pasty white.

Unfortunately, I will never be able to get that image out of my head (probably because I took a photo of it).

Allow me to introduce you to an event that may scar you for life as well: Moon Amtrak (and Metrolink).

Once a year, individuals participate in roughly 16 hours of enthusiastic mooning action.  The curious come to witness this crazy event which actually occurs without any official organizers or sponsors.  The Orange County Sheriff's Department keeps the peace.

Ride Amtrak or Metrolink towards the Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel.  Those who are nuts for butts will be lining up along the chain link fence near the tracks.

While decorating butts is allowed, mooners are discouraged from consuming alcohol or urinating in public during this event.  I mean, come on, people.  This is a classy event, okay?

California State Fair - 07/12/12 - 07/29/12

Sometimes, life presents difficult decisions.

California State Fair
Sacramento, CA

The food!  The exhibits!  The people watching!  The food!  The concerts!  The food!

Guess what my favorite part of the fair is?

I'm not knocking the people watching which, for Sacramento, is top-notch.  I love seeing elderly couples, hand-in-hand, sharing a big-ass waffle cone; wide-eyed kids who've never seen a ferris wheel;  "hypnotized" individuals barking like dogs.  It's great!  On the other hand, I can do without some sectors of the population: unsupervised toddlers wielding large, sticky lollipops; women in the ladies room who shake out their sopping wet hands onto you instead of grabbing paper towels; and parents with kids on disturbing leashes.

The concert offering can run the gamut from the 1950s to today.  There's at least one show I've got to see each year.  Whether it's Rick Springfield, M.C. Hammer, Jeffrey Osbourne or Weird Al Yankovic, the choices can't be beaten.  By the way, I think I just showed my age.

But oh, the food...this is what brings me back year after year.  Whatever they're dipping in batter and plunging into recycled oil this year, I've got to have it!  For years, my choices were limited to corn dogs and funnel cakes: booooooring.  Today, that repertoire has expanded to cheesecake, Moon Pies, and even sandwiches using donuts as buns.  Booyah.

So grab something fried, kindly ask if you can share a table if needed (emphasis on the word "kindly"), and relieve yourself before the concert so you'll avoid impeding my view of .38 Special in the middle of "Caught Up In You".  Thanks in advance!

Oakdale Cheese & Specialties

The perfect picnic basket starts here!

Oakdale Cheese & Specialties
Oakdale, CA

California certainly has no shortage of cheese factories; they are everywhere.  Most follow a typical blueprint: a storefront selling cheese, baked goods and a few deli items, oftentimes with a counter lined with plastic domes covering plates of sample cubes speared with toothpicks.

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Once in a while, you find a gem.  Oakdale Cheese & Specialties is one of those gems.  The Buck family has been in the cheesemaking business for four generations, with no signs of stopping.  In fact, Walter Buck can still be found in the factory each day well before sunrise, pumping milk, cutting curds and filling molds.  That wasn't meant to sound dirty, by the way.

A variety of artisanal cheeses and spreads can be enjoyed on a few acres that seem worlds away from the nearby highway.  Pick up some meats and olives from their store, add some fruit from the produce stand, then check out the farm animals and koi ponds as you sink your teeth into some Cheesecake Brownies "to die for" (according to customers).  I'm sold!

Sacramento Chef Challenge - 06/23/12

Unlimited Tiramisu Cupcakes: need I say more?

Sacramento Chef Challenge
Sacramento, CA

I am a sucker for fundraisers.  Car wash from total strangers?  No thanks. Car wash to raise money for your cheerleading squad/ Boy Scout troop/ drug and alcohol rehab group?  Well, now I can be coerced.

Naturally, fundraisers involving food are a no-brainer for me.  While $35 is enough for dinner, a movie and a post-movie trip to Target's dollar aisle, it can be better spent to support INALLIANCE, a non-profit organization providing programs for the developmentally disabled in and around Sacramento.

At the heart of it, the Sacramento Chef Challenge is just that: a competition between local chefs, a la "Iron Chef", who work against the clock to create a variety of dishes with secret ingredients within a limited time frame.  But there is so much more to this event.  Imagine a venue chock full of food and beverage vendors offering unlimited samples of their best dishes: foamy microbrews, edamame bruschetta will grilled asparagus and shaved parmesan, butter brickle frozen coffees and tiramisu cupcakes.

It's like Costco, but with superior grub - and without the whiny brats pushing you aside to beat you to the microwaved corn dogs on toothpicks.  That should sound like a pretty nice Friday night for most people.

Sun-Maid Store

Don't worry, they have the chocolate variety, too.

Sun-Maid Store
Kingsburg, CA

My Chihuahua, Manny, doesn't understand grapes.  He'll eat almost anything you give him, but grapes?  No, thank you.

I learned this little tidbit of information a few years ago when I rearranged my living room furniture and found several old grapes - now raisins - as I moved my couch.  Apparently Manny didn't understand you could bite through those little orbs.  Luckily, when he saw the raisins, he maintained his lack of interest; that's a good thing considering raisin consumption can cause renal failure in dogs. Yikes!  But I digress.

The good people at Sun-Maid have provided high-quality raisins and other dried fruit products for a century.  Often called "nature's candy" (though a thick coating of chocolate also helps), no oatmeal cookie or trail mix seems complete without them.  Little known fact: the iconic Sun-Maid Girl found on each box of raisins was actually a real girl named Lorraine, who posed with a basket of grapes for that famous image.  While the image has evolved over the years, Sun-Maid's raisins and other products have maintained the same excellence in quality for decades.

Visit the Sun-Maid Store to purchase their full selection of raisins, dried fruits and other gifts.  Watch a brief informative video, take a photo in front of a giant box of raisins, and keep any purchased treats away from your dog.  Trust me.

NorCal Pirate Festival - 06/16/12 - 06/17/12

Arrrrre...you ready to search for me arrow?

NorCal Pirate Festival

Vallejo, CA

At last, a chance to legally grab some booty in Solano County!

If you're still nurturing a disturbing Daryl Hannah fetish from the early 80s, you're in luck: this year, you'll be able to snap photos with mermaids in the new lagoon.  More of a Johnny Depp fan?  Well, he won't be there, but you'll enjoy the magic, ventriloquism and comedic stylings of Captain Jack Spareribs!

Stuff your gullet with festive grub including fish and chips, pretzels and pickles.  You'll need the energy to navigate your way to activities such as sword fighting, cannon battles, and the vixens of singing group Queen Anne's Revenge, whose name sounds like the result of eating too many of those pretzels and pickles.

Bask in a magical day of piratedom, and and be wary of any old, toothless man asking you to "walk his plank".

Cable Car Museum

Take me to your nearest crab stand...

Cable Car Museum
San Francisco, CA

Ah, San Francisco: likely the only city in the world where tourists are giddy with excitement in anticipation of a ride on public transportation.

Travelling at 9.5 MPH has never been so exciting, especially if you factor in the beautiful sights, fellow international occupants and the cable car system's extremely lackadaisical policy against hanging off the sides.

The idea for this unique transportation system was conceived by Andrew Hallidie, who witnessed horses being whipped as they pulled a horsecar up a wet cobblestone street.  They slipped, and were subsequently dragged to their deaths.  There had to be a better way.

The Cable Car Museum chronicles the nearly century-and-a-half history of these unique cars and provides a close-up look at the cables, grips, track and other system features.  On display are three antique cars from the 1870s along with other memorabilia from the era.  The museum is located inside the Washington/Mason cable car barn and powerhouse, where you can watch the gigantic engines and wheels that pull the cables.

The Museum also hosts the Annual Bell Ringing Competition, a great opportunity to pay tribute to the cable cars and those who maintain and keep them safe.

Sacramento SPCA Doggy Dash - 06/09/12

<Yawn> You realize it's Saturday, right?

Sacramento SPCA Doggy Dash
Sacramento, CA

As if gorgeous summer weather and much-needed exercise in the fresh air weren't reason enough to participate in this year's Doggy Dash, consider the fact that it's one of the SPCA's largest fundraisers of the year, drawing thousands of individuals crazy about canines.  Oh yeah...you can bring your bitch, too!

(And the answer is YES, I try to include the word "bitch" in every dog article.)

Based on your energy levels at 9am on Saturday mornings, you can choose between a 2K or 5K walk; and the jaunt is just the start of this event filled with doggy shenanigans. The post-walk Bark at the Park Festival includes demonstrations, Pug races, and a myriad of contests centered around looks and personality: highlights include the "So Ugly I'm Cute", "Fluffiest Dog" and "Most Enthusiastic Wag" competitions.

In case you're wondering, strollers are allowed; just accept the fact you'll be subject to (deserving) ridicule if Killer is napping inside.

Belmont Stakes Wine Festival - 06/09/12

Sadly, no drinking for these guys.

Belmont Stakes Wine Festival

Berkeley, CA

Finally, a reason to bust out that stupid, enormous hat you bought after watching the episode of Newlyweds with Jessica Simpson at the Kentucky Derby.

For less than two Andrew Jacksons you'll enjoy fifteen samples of various wines along with your admission to one of the most fantastical outdoor venues in the Bay Area, Golden Gate Fields.  Help yourself to bruschetta, fruit, and cheese, relax to the sounds of live jazz, then lose the mortgage on Lucky Number Seven because you just sampled fifteen different wines.

Don't forget to bring home your souvenir glass!  It may be worth more than the contents of your wallet by the end of the day.

Bubblegum Alley

Stick 'em up!

Bubblegum Alley

San Luis Obispo, CA

It's happened to all of us.  Who hasn't innocently taken a seat at a restaurant, library, picnic table or strip club, only to find (somehow) that the previous patron has left behind the gift that keeps on giving - a wad of freshly-chewed gum - underneath the table?

I can't remember how many times this has happened to me.  By the way, ONCE is too many times.

If getting up and disposing of your Hubba Bubba in a humane fashion is far too complicated for you, consider alternative oral fixation (I mean Tic Tacs.  Yeah, Tic Tacs!).

At least San Luis Obispo's Bubblegum Alley provides a safe haven for those insistent upon placing their lifeless wads on the closest surface available.  In fact, it encourages it.  The 70x15-foot wall features roughly four decades of gum and other decorative objects used to create "art".  It's been featured in TV shows and newspapers around the world.

Come out, gnaw on some Chewels, slam it on, and enjoy.  Go ahead and take pictures, but lean against the walls at your own risk.

Sacramento Wine & Dine - 05/30/12 - 06/10/12

Use these, you savage!

Sacramento Wine & Dine
Sacramento, CA

I have trust issues.  Let's just get that out right now.

A co-worker once offered me a confection shipped in from some foreign country.  A newbie at my office, I wanted to fit in...appear brave...look like a bad-ass, if you will: "Give that to me - I'll try anything!"

Moments later, I had a mouth full of stale, crumbly powder.  It tasted like feet.

Luckily, the chefs of the establishments featured during Sacramento Wine & Dine are far more trustworthy, creating special 3- or 4-course prix fixe meals that appeal to the masses.  Some even offer wine pairings, which is great because I'd never guess that one wine could complement arancini, pear salad with goat cheese AND rabbit pappardelle.  Lesson learned!

Try out a new restaurant or two, give in to the chefs' choices, and for the love of God always have a chaser available.  You can thank me later.

Patterson Apricot Fiesta - 06/01/12 - 06/03/12

Enjoy...before your arm is broken!

Patterson Apricot Fiesta
Patterson, CA

Some things are just made for each other: peanut butter and jelly, clam chowder and sourdough bread bowls, apricots and arm wrestling.

Yes, arm wrestling!

Let's face it: Californians are blessed with living in a state where festivals are a dime a dozen.  If you're going to draw thousands of people to yours, you better have an event worthy of the drive to Patterson.  At the Apricot Fiesta, this event would be the annual Arm Wrestling Contest.

This contest is the real deal.  There's a stage.  There are weigh-ins.  There are contestants whose wrestling arms are considerably larger than their other arms.  And, there are waivers required which hold the promoters harmless should Bluto rip off your appendage in the process.

Come for the apricots, stay for the smell of testosterone in the air!

Chandelier Drive-Thru Tree

Attention, Hummers:  Forget it!

Chandelier Drive-Thru Tree
Leggett, CA

The Chandelier Tree is quite possibly the best thing to come out of the 1930s...besides my grandmother.

Also known as the "Drive-Thru Tree", it is just that: a titan of a Sequoia hollowed out at the bottom so tourists can marvel as their automobiles (hopefully) cruise right through. Some roll their windows down so they can touch the inside of the tree.  Others ponder whether their vehicles will get wedged inside, and the rest of us wait patiently with video cameras and smirks on our faces hoping to God that they do.

After visiting the Chandelier Tree, I wanted to phone my mother to tell her I'd just driven into a massive redwood; then, I realized it's probably not a good idea to induce a heart attack when you're four and a half hours from home.